"Are U Still Down?" 5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships—And Know When to Let Them Go

Building fulfilling connections in a world that makes it harder than ever.

Let's face it: relationships just aren't what they used to be. While we have more ways to connect than ever before, sometimes those connections don't feel as fulfilling. Sometimes they make you feel pretty hollow.

You make plans with people only to have things canceled last minute. You try to be understanding, but if the other person doesn't put forth the effort to reciprocate and follow up, it leaves you feeling drained and underappreciated. If this has ever been you, I want to point out something: you're not alone. And it doesn't have to stay this way.

The standard for how you create bonds with others doesn't have to be low. The following framework draws inspiration from Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training Manual and offers five concrete ways to improve the relationships you're in—and how to let relationships go when they no longer serve you.

1. Incorporate Gentleness

You might be thinking, "Doesn't that just mean be nice? I already do that." But here's the thing: gentleness and niceness are two different concepts. To be gentle means you are allowing yourself to be understanding, considerate, and essentially non-judgmental toward the other person in the relationship.

Ask yourself some hard questions:

Have there been issues in the relationship where I felt the need to break them down or attack them? Do I constantly find myself negatively evaluating or judging the things they say or do? Do I make failed remarks that come off as passive-aggressive? Remarks that might initiate breaks or distance from others?

If so, incorporating gentleness might be one of the best options. Here's how: Take pauses to reflect on what you're feeling and what you're doing in the relationship. Give yourself an opportunity to understand that this person, while living in the same reality as you, has their own life, struggles, and successes to maintain and improve upon.

Allow yourself to be curious about what those things are—not just in thought, but in execution. Ask questions that offer more depth. Don't remain just on the surface. This small shift can fundamentally change how you show up in your relationships.

2. Become Interested in the Other Person—and Demonstrate It

Sometimes this can be hard, especially when we don't always like, appreciate, or understand the things other people are invested in. This is where it's important to tap into your curiosity.

If you notice yourself getting angry or frustrated about something another person actively enjoys, consider asking them what makes them enjoy it. How long have they been engaging with it? When did they start? Where did they find the passion? Where do they find the community that helps them feel engaged and connected?

After some time, you can even ask if you can participate—whether as a casual onlooker as they engage in it, or by meeting them in different facets of that interest, hobby, or social group. It shows you're willing to invest your time and that you care. And here's the thing: it's often free. It doesn't cost much to demonstrate that you care about a person's well-being and who they are as an individual.

The Other Side: When Apologies Matter

If you and another person have been short or rude with each other, it may be time to consider making amends for what's gone wrong. Sometimes that means offering an apology—not just in words, but in gestures or actions. Because nothing is better than behavioral change.

I've learned this the hard way. When I've made mistakes and hurt people in the past, my apologies always felt hollow when they were just words. "I'm sorry" is like standing on top of a mountain proclaiming how wrong you've been—but nobody asked you to climb that mountain. Sometimes the climb is really about how you try to show up differently for other people.

If a relationship has become so fractured that there isn't much investment in trying to make amends, that might be a sign it's time to end things.

3. Validate the Other Person

Validation doesn't have to mean saying nice things all the time. Validating simply means that, regardless of whether the person is doing well or not, you're conveying to them that you understand the gravity of what they're going through.

You can validate a person's accomplishments. You can validate their struggles. The more you're able to connect with them on this level, the more they'll find themselves open to seeing you as someone who has their best interests at heart.

If you have a hard time doing this naturally, ask them. Give them space to tell you what would help. People love to share about themselves and talk about who they are. Sometimes what that means is simply letting them know what you want from them, what you appreciate from them, and what might be a challenge.

In doing so, the other person feels more fulfilled and connected with you because they see you as somebody who wants to be in their life for the good, the bad, and the messy. In today's society, that's something many people don't feel in their relationships. But it's something we can develop and cultivate—it's a skill we have to intentionally build.

4. Remain Consistent With Your Personal Beliefs and Values

This is critical. Consider your relationships with people whose health and lifestyle choices differ from yours. Are you the person who eggs them on to do things they wouldn't normally want to do? If so, think about how that makes them feel about you—and about themselves. Do they feel they have to sacrifice their identity in order to be loved? Is that really love, or is it just servitude to an idea?

While we share commonalities with people we care about, people are different. They believe different things. They like different things. They have different vices and insecurities. And those things shape and define people. It doesn't mean that by having different perspectives, one is right and one is wrong. It's important to reconcile them so you understand that it's this and it's that.

For example, I can have strong feelings about working out, and you can too. Those feelings don't have to be similar, nor do they have to be mutually exclusive. There can be days where I like being active and days I don't. That answer varies—just like with you.

By having a clear sense of what your beliefs and values are, you can think about ways to enact them in your relationships. If you notice yourself falling flat—self-sacrificing what's important to you for the needs of others—or if others do that within their relationship with you, it may be time to cut ties. Not because the other person is horrible or bad, but because to be in a relationship, you have to allow yourself to be a person. That means having flaws, being who you are, and expressing what you believe, think, and feel. And yes, sometimes facing rejection for that.

5. Be Easygoing—and Know When to Let Go

Nobody likes someone who's constantly angry at the world or who puts people down. There's a time and place to be negative, but that time should be short and that place should be with people who support and love you—while also encouraging you to do more or differently.

Being easygoing can mean simply putting on a smile when you're known to keep things stoic and stiff. It can mean making light jokes to ease tension. It can mean offering to do small favors that are in your power. When a problem comes up or tension rises in a relationship, instead of letting yourself become fully entranced by anger, you can learn to let go of it and see the person for who they are—separate from the anger you're feeling.

When It's Time to End Things

Sometimes, though, when a relationship is at its worst and there's nothing more you want to invest or give, it's important to be truthful with the other person and yourself about why it's no longer working. Regardless of whether one side, the other side, or both sides contributed to the breakdown, being truthful isn't about being hurtful, mean, or disrespectful. It's about speaking truth—identifying the facts of what happened in the relationship, things both parties can see and acknowledge.

Both of you can leave a little bit more knowledgeable about yourselves, your relationships, how you're perceived, and what changes you might consider making in the future. Change is something that can be attractive to everybody, but not everybody wants to change. Some people just want to stay the same. And that's their choice to make.

The goal isn't to be perfect in your relationships. It's to consider what your needs and wants are and what the other person's needs and wants might be. When you approach relationships with gentleness, genuine interest, validation, integrity, and honesty, you create space for real connection. And when a relationship no longer allows for that, you create space for something better.

That's the real work of building and maintaining relationships that actually feel fulfilling.

This post draws inspiration from Marsha M. Linehan's DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd Edition), a comprehensive resource for dialectical behavior therapy skills including interpersonal effectiveness. The framework presented here reflects principles from that work applied to everyday relationship challenges.